Sirach 28..Forgiveness and grace.

 ¹³ Gossips and liars deserve to be cursed, because they have been the ruin of many people who were minding their own business.¹⁴ Many have had their lives ruined and have been driven from their homes because of people who meddled in their business. Such unwanted interference has resulted in the destruction of strong cities and the homes of respected people.¹⁵ Meddlers have caused faithful wives to be divorced, robbed of everything they had worked for.

Sirach 28 striked me hard yesterday while we were saying our prayers...I had been dwelling on how people's prejudice was affecting my emotional state,seeking deliverance in that part of life.No matter how I tried others prejudiced judgements and opinions made me feel degraded.


^19-20Count yourself lucky if you have been spared the experience of having irresponsible talk directed against you—if you have never had that iron yoke around your neck or those heavy chains on your legs.²¹ Slander leads to a miserable death; but in fact, you'd be better off dead.

I have long suffered this pain of heavy chains on my legs and iron yoke around my neck ...which the scripture so vividly describes.I offended some people related to me by refusing money transactions, even though I had taken the counsel of the Holy spirit regarding it. Vengeance was sought speedily for my refusal . My reputation was tarnished in every household I was loved. Alarmed calls came asking me if I was alright?...I was crushed and isolated...even in my own home.Yet I thought God is using this situation to teach humility...and I did not make a big deal out of it.But events did not end there I was further potrayed as hurting and wounding them instead of vice versa. I remained quiet.. not knowing what to say...utterly shocked at this turn of plates...yet feeling guilty that my refusal could have done them some lasting emotional damage that led them to publically humiliate, and falsely accuse me.

I remained deeply hurt but there was no one to share it with.

 A whip can raise a welt, but a vicious tongue can break bones.¹⁸ More people have died as a result of loose talk than were ever killed by swords.

 The ones closest to me were the ones to isolate me first... labelling me evil and telling me I deserved such public humiliation.I died a lot of deaths everyday thereafter.... I found that even if I had forgiven them I  can't forget ... wounded again and again by them or others who believed what they said.

Anyone who pays attention to slander can never find peace of mind

What all could people do for money...especially if all I mean to them is  a calculated source of money.Sometimes I felt like throwing it all at them and asking them just to say one time...they dint mean to hurt me..sorry.... for all the years of agony.And to the society that I am just another normal girl.
These thoughts cloud my mind desperately....making me suffer every day.An unforgiving mind took control of me.

Devout people, however, cannot be overcome by slander; they cannot be burned by its flames.²³ Its victims are those who have abandoned the Lord; once the fire of slander has been lit among them, it cannot be put out. Slander will pounce on them like a lion and tear them to pieces like a leopard. 

 The scripture says that if I stay close to God I wont be affected by these slanders.True I was a devout Christian... but,not a perfect one, I needed a more firmer relationship with God.In midst of all the negativities propogated against me God still miraculously lead me to people who truly care..and accepting me in spite of these rumours,people touched by God.

.² But if you forgive someone who has wronged you, your sins will be forgiven when you pray.³ You cannot expect the Lord to pardon you while you are holding a grudge against someone else.⁴ You yourself are a sinner, and if you won't forgive another person, you have no right to pray that the Lord will forgive your sins.⁵ If you cannot get rid of your anger, you have no hope of forgiveness—you are only a human being.⁶ Think about it! Some day you will die, and your body will decay. So give up hate and live by the Lord's commands,⁷ the commands in the covenant of the Most High. Instead of getting upset over your neighbor's faults, overlook them.

Even though these people slander again...God wants me to forgive them again.They might have some deep rooted wounds from past or similar experiences from others that lead them to unthinkingly tarnish others.What they need is healing of  those past wounds.They need my prayers more than my forgiveness. I need to forgive for my sake...only forgiveness can bring me peace...I might still be carrying on my neck and legs heavy chains of falsely accused public judgement, because outwardly nothing much has changed.Yet my suffering when offered to God will bring huge flow of mercy and  grace inside .

Jesus, tender Shepherd, hear me

Jesus, tender Shepherd, hear me:
Bless Thy little child to-night;
Through the darkness be Thou near me,
Keep me safe till morning light.

All this day Thy hand has led me,
And I thank Thee for Thy care;
Thou hast warmed me, clothed me, fed me;
Listen to my evening prayer.

May my sins be all forgiven;
Bless the friends I love so well;
Take me, Lord, at last to heaven.
Happy there with Thee to dwell. Amen.

Letting go.....

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried:
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do........ you never did let go"

Living life..real

I thought life was a piece of cake and living freely without inhibitions was what one supposed to do. Love freely...have fun...laugh your guts out...entertain...have a lot of  "me time" and yet have people around to reach out when you need.Life to me was all about romance and happiness,and getting everything out of life by just being myself.


 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 1 Cor. 13:11


But life dint take me where I wanted to,I was broken and depressed and torn and wounded and yet I was stubborn...and would not yeild of myself what I claimed was my essence.


Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.(John 12:24)




I remember one of my professors telling me at college...life is not about joys and celebrations its about duties and responsibilities. My happy go luck nature that loved to flow with the drift and be content din't much endure  the tests of marriage, career and child raring. I had to struggle to keep in phase, I huffed and puffed and wailed and yammered in frustration whenever I couldn't keep up to the standards I so much idealized before marriage. The world's cruel realities made me shudder and I grouped desperately for the old familiarity of innocence and simplicity.I no longer had a" me time" ...and as life drifted offshore I never found people around when I needed them... I hardly laughed.. I hardly slept... I hardly dreamed....a sense of personal failure crept in .In life's burning trials of harsh judgements, heart breaking accusations and a deep inner loneliness I lost a lot of myself.It was not easy but it was essential because it shifted my focus from what was shallow to what was real.


Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save.(Psalms146:3)

It took a lot of God allowed heart breaks and isolation to make me realize that He was tugging on my heart all the while, jealously desiring my soul.My desperate attempts to make everything perfect taught me to rely fully on God instead of relying on myself or on others, in him I can live freely .. according to his call.It means I have to give of myself everyday.My space, my time, my efforts, my love,my patience,my comforts,my wishes, my appreciation, my encouragement,my joy, my forgiveness...

 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.(2 Cor 9:7)

I guess  that decision has to be made everyday ...what to give of yourself ?to your spouse, to your children, to your parents, to your siblings, your friends, your church, your community.....and that giving should be done for God,not for your gratification.Let him take it from you and miraculously transform it to something special you have never dreamed of.

Let God Carry you

Broken heart....

I tearfully looked at Jesus and said "All I wanted was a bit of love and you just broke my heart?...so unfair...its painful to love....painful to keep giving...painful to care so much and never be acknowledged....so much of judgement passed due to the sole fact that I'm socially retarded and don't sweet talk? I try so hard to keep myself holy...imperfect as I am....and be honest in my thoughts as in words and deeds....yet look at me I'm condemned..and people who sweet talk while shoving off their evil natures and deeds under a pretty smile are thought to be holy and righteous? where is justice??O my sweet sweet Jesus...sometimes I just want to run away faster and faster away and far away where I can hide my tear stained face and broken heart in the dry dusty earth."

Jesus looked at me,with so much love that I never wanted to be loved by anyone else ever again.....filling me with his life giving spirit ...intoxicating me with joy and an unexplainable peace......his face was radiant yet wounded and bleeding..,the wounds I gave him...the pain ,humiliation, betrayal, indifference I give him everyday ...he whispered"My grace is all you need"....he dint say that things would radically change or that I will be forever happy....but his grace is all I need.The giving of myself bit by bit mind, body and soul for others does hurts...it should hurt because its giving a part of you...because its crushing of the self for the sake of others."take your cross daily and follow me" he said again deeply gazing into my soul. I decided to thankfully and cheerfully take from his hand all he had to offer,even the sufferings,because his grace was all I needed :) , to love , to forgive, to bless and to give of myself like He did for me.

Oh Jesus I should become smaller so that you can become greater in me.... and in my weakness you show your strength.you grace is all I want.

My child, when you come to serve the Lord,

prepare yourself for trials.

Be sincere of heart and steadfast,

and do not be impetuous in time of adversity.

Cling to him, do not leave him,

that you may prosper in your last days.

Accept whatever happens to you;

in periods of humiliation be patient.

For in fire gold is tested,

and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation.b

Trust in God, and he will help you;

make your ways straight and hope in Him.

SIRACH 2:1-6

Psalms105:4

Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! psalms105:4