Broken heart....

I tearfully looked at Jesus and said "All I wanted was a bit of love and you just broke my heart?...so unfair...its painful to love....painful to keep giving...painful to care so much and never be acknowledged....so much of judgement passed due to the sole fact that I'm socially retarded and don't sweet talk? I try so hard to keep myself holy...imperfect as I am....and be honest in my thoughts as in words and deeds....yet look at me I'm condemned..and people who sweet talk while shoving off their evil natures and deeds under a pretty smile are thought to be holy and righteous? where is justice??O my sweet sweet Jesus...sometimes I just want to run away faster and faster away and far away where I can hide my tear stained face and broken heart in the dry dusty earth."

Jesus looked at me,with so much love that I never wanted to be loved by anyone else ever again.....filling me with his life giving spirit ...intoxicating me with joy and an unexplainable peace......his face was radiant yet wounded and bleeding..,the wounds I gave him...the pain ,humiliation, betrayal, indifference I give him everyday ...he whispered"My grace is all you need"....he dint say that things would radically change or that I will be forever happy....but his grace is all I need.The giving of myself bit by bit mind, body and soul for others does hurts...it should hurt because its giving a part of you...because its crushing of the self for the sake of others."take your cross daily and follow me" he said again deeply gazing into my soul. I decided to thankfully and cheerfully take from his hand all he had to offer,even the sufferings,because his grace was all I needed :) , to love , to forgive, to bless and to give of myself like He did for me.

Oh Jesus I should become smaller so that you can become greater in me.... and in my weakness you show your strength.you grace is all I want.

My child, when you come to serve the Lord,

prepare yourself for trials.

Be sincere of heart and steadfast,

and do not be impetuous in time of adversity.

Cling to him, do not leave him,

that you may prosper in your last days.

Accept whatever happens to you;

in periods of humiliation be patient.

For in fire gold is tested,

and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation.b

Trust in God, and he will help you;

make your ways straight and hope in Him.

SIRACH 2:1-6