A movie.....

I saw this really cute movie , thattathin marayathil.It was some how very innocent and downright honest with a balanced flavour of laughter well ingrained between massive chunks of innocent love.It kind of blew my head off...with its breezy screenplay and powerful on screen rendering. hats off to vineeth sreenivasan...totally admire his multifaceted  creativity...which is genuine and not borrowed like millions of others.Totally loved actors, the crew and that excellent positive vibes that totally enthralls you right into the core of the movie.

I might have never been in this kind of a love but sure could identify with its honesty and innocence. Guess people might love like that only one time in their whole life time...then they grow up...learn from it,get built-up or broken by it.... get transformed....and never ever are the same again.never ever i guess do they love anyone else again....
its profound yet sad....i know it.
if a movie could bring about such sentiments and philosophies in me that would scream out to be a must watch.for the screenplay sake, for the directors, sake for the actors sake.,..for love's sake.

A sigh of relief.

As usual we had conversations that went wild and followed the same pattern of hurt,withdrawal and numbness.I cried and that was a huge relief coz increasingly lately I had suspected my heart to have hardened, coz nothing he said would affect me...somewhere I had lost hope in him.Yet the very instance that i felt , what he thought of me(negative as it is) could actually make me cry was quite relieving. But I know all the while Jesus keeps my heart...so anyone or anything would have to go through him to reach me.

Strangely all cutting remarks made me feel immensely big....

when would we break free of these destructive patterns of blaming and hurt and instead of fighting each other would fight for each other???.....when will we stop being strangers...to be friends and more than that?

Jesus heal our marriage.Ressuruct it from the dead.

Love

"God is love, But love can be hated when it challenges us to transcend ourselves. It is not a romantic 'good feeling'... it is not about basking in self-indulgence; on the contrary, it is a liberation from self-absorption. This liberation comes at a price: the anguish of the Cross" (Pope Benedict, Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives, p. 86).

To live :)

Loving him....with Christ.

I love him..my husband.and its as simple as that... sometimes its an effort when i feel he disowns me and takes no effort to love me...and thats another issue and lets leave it at that.Even as i have been writing about how uncaring he becomes...there are times when he can actually make me feel so special and i geuss its only investment he needs to make to get an all covered love insurance from me :)

women are sometimes so naive, all they need is a bit of admiration , a loving word or two, a spontaneous moment of fun or laughter or just a listening ear, a bit of help when she feels overwhelmde...i guess all women long from deep within to just belong to that one man of her dreams .to be thought of as a special someone no one can replace. and i wish men would just make their women feel that way , the only real investment they have to make in life, and such simple things would go a far way in maintaining the tone and stability of marriage .because essentially it makes her secure,and security roots a woman, just like love blooms her in the family.

Men can be tough cookies to crack...pulling on layers and walls and an odd detachment.essentially women need not go cracking this cookie and getting herself all worked up.remember that you're not there alone, there is this third person in every christian marriage who can actually make way through oceans,who can control storms and for who nothing is impossible.

So my dear ladies, my beloved young wives who struggle under a yoke of a hard marriage, cast your burdens unto jesus, and lol he cares for you.isnt that the most extraordinary thing, we who have much power in christ fall apart helpless. when you are tired of yelling yammering crying and crying ....kneel down.And let him help you out, take control of things you cant do anything, like his attitude , or his detatchment or anything you are struggling with. coz he can heal, he can transform and he can make things new.:) how great is that!!!

Facebook fun :)

The narrow road.

I kind of understand the whole concept of the biblical narrow road to heaven. "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. its more like the situation i face i face day after day.its narrow suffercating and full of thorns and obstacles of every sort.The end of the day its a hard journey.
The key is persistance.I see light, I see unfathomable blessings all waiting if I only follow this road.Its easier to give up and take a easier road...but an easier road might not be Gods path to reach the state of christian perfection.
 Easier said than done...the path is narrow and hard indeed, sometimes very lonely...yet there is one promise that we can hold on to."My grace suffices you".Without God's grace this seems impossible but for us who are called he will turn everything for our good...only by his grace.For in our weakness He is strong.
 Lord help me to bear it all bravely and with grace....not yelling screaming and making a scene. i was often broken yet i recovered but now i feel defeated i feel ashamed and despaired.i need your grace to keep going this narrow road...hoping one day I will witness great happiness.

 I found out that sacrificing love is not something inborn in men and women...as I had believed ...its a matter of choice..a choice made each day everyday...through thick and thin and even when everything slips under your feet and people let you down or shove you away.Its a choice to be made willingly every second.And everything is possible through Christ who strengthens me.

Breaking free from grey shades.

My life was once simple...everything revolved around innocence.There were clear markings of what was right and what was wrong. My mom, a proverb 31 woman made sure she raised Godly children with had a clear picture of what sin meant.What was right was right and was the only way to follow...what was wrong was wrong and should be avoided at all costs, and if anyone did wrong one should repent and reconcile. Then my life became complicated... I married and was on a yoke of grey scales. My husband is a easy going guy with no particular inclinations to right and wrong.As long as one's needs are met right and wrong doesn't matter and that extends to little things as well as to big things.A kind of lifestyle where rules can bend and break, just to make things run smoothly or to get one's will done.Here the right is often wrong in some scenarios and the wrong becomes right and justifiable.From little things like faking signatures to big things like justification and acceptance of past illegitimate relationships blew my top off.A strange world where no one repented or reconciled but just shoved off blame and ridicule at your face...and then smile.Grey..Grey Grey....where is the black and white? I yelled and yammered then I bent and whimpered and finally downright broke down in this chaotic complexity where I dint fit in. I cant understand his attitudes,philosophies or visions on life and neither can he understand my values,principals and visions in life. I cant be in a grey scale..neither should he.We are not pagans.We are living according to the God's word.How can we live like hypocrites? I

I bind all shallowness, all selfishness, self-interest and wrong ideologies and all sorts of evil the world gives in Jesus's mighty name.Let God shower his wisdom and understanding to overcome all hardened corners of our hearts.Let us not be lukewarm but be ignited in the power of Lord Jesus Christ.

Sharing a good song....

The mystery...the answer..our God!!!

The cycle of hurt.

Lord grant that our family be let loose from the cycle of hurt. Heal the true roots of hurts.Let each of us consciously decide not to hurt....and never to return a hurt with another hurt.Grant us strength to break loose the chains of hurt that go in circles affecting many.Teach us the language of LOVE.

For better or for worst?

 Of all the things in life, i have to deal with..a gaming PC, its not what I need right now. In midst of a special need marriage already screaming for time and togetherness .... I totally don't know how adversely a gaming pc can affect. A hard core gadget freak, my husband would spent limitless time adoring ,exploring,entertaining...in short have a long passionate affair with that flashy piece of man's sad inventions.
and the burden it would be to our financial balance is no child play. He chooses to see the negative sides...his positives are convincing...yet.....! Lord our limited brains and understanding and worldly inclinations are no good at knowing what's best for us.Grant us ur infinite mercy ...send us your holy spirit the divine counsellor...inspire us to do what is right and just.... not my will..not my husbands will...but your will be done.In Jesus's  mighty name. amen. 

Mommy's prayer.

 Ma dear darling boy, the first born angel....ma lil sugar.How i love you , yet how i'm not reaching into ur heart, u seem to be in a your own world. mommy's scared sometimes u might be like the rest. ur innocence overwhelms me darling. yet sometimes u show no understanding, always running around in ur frenzied rythm. mommy prayes for u darling...mommy knows Jesus will heal you.He is yahove rapha..the healer ....his touch is sufficient to rejuvinate your reason and understanding,give you selfcontrol and spirit of peace.I love u my child the way you are...i want youu to grow in love and obedience of God andd ur parents.I want you to do great things for Jesus.mom and dad often dunno how and what but Jesus knows...mom and dad will ask jesus's counsel to help u out the way you want to be helped. sorry for all the times u were misunderstood or no delt with the way you should have been....and the times world's worry overcame the attention u deserved.Jesus my child will open the  knots of your tounge, the knots in your brain, the knots in your body and soul.sugar i give you today to jesus, let him hold you always everywhere everytime. i trust no other.i promise you i will try the best to be the mother u need....to love you unconditionally...to nurture u, to train u ,to dicipline you in Jesus's mighty name.
my heart melts at ur smile,yearns for ur sound whenu sleep...worries over you all the time....child u are always in my mindd...and i lift u up to jesus.
amen.

I need a miracle!

Dear Jesus,
I know this mail finds you with much ardent love for me and my family.Lord this is a formal invitation to my family. Lord please come and abide...we need you here most urgently.We are in midst of a colourless, odourless,tasteless marriage.Everything seems to have gone numb, nothing is alive but my struggles to reach him.the only noise that can be heard is my low whimpers as a result of long  hard crying , and a low click noise that's been haunting me from the first day of marriage.

lord I'm trying hard to keep our love burning...but I think he doesn't care.his priorities lie on his work he says. I find myself losing hope . I'm tired of crying alone, of sleeping alone,of doing chores alone, of talking to myself, dreaming a future myself,of being myself.The 4 walls enclose my struggles,my tears, my groans of despair without ever reaching anyone who cares or comforts.  He sees me struggling but is stone faced.

I'm tired of waiting ,one thing after the other always comes by...new software's new hard wares  new downloads, new installations, new research, or just plain *....this pattern goes on and on and on... I'm always kept on hold. on hold...and a creepy music that's being played as I wait are my babies crying..... my heart breaking ....my life wasting.
He  is stone cold,nothing I say or do or touch or kiss reach him...its like he has lost himself beyond repair in a cyber world.Lord I beseech come and do a miracle. create wine.... I have put vases of tears...lord come and make our marriage a true wine....much joyful and getting stronger everyday.
I want love,joy laughter, peace,... take away the click click from my life.save us lord do a miracle.
love and prayers
L

Looking at Christ.

I look at myself and find  bitterness induced negativity, brokenness and a strange helplessness.

 But in Christ I am clothed in joy, strength, dignity and freedom.

I look at my husband and find flaws, rejection, aloofness and betrayal during every crisis.

But in Christ I see him God ordained head of the family, the mate he chose from eternity, flawless and totally lovable.

I look at my children I see fear of their future, the worry over every phase of development,their little mistakes and fear of failure as a mother.

But in Christ I see them florishing, God fearing, healthy, joyful and myself a capable proud mom.

I look at our family see our disorganized routines, financial messes,lack of judgement and unstable future.

but in Christ I see the plan of God,the providence of God, the healing of God ,the peace of God and a great purpose for us as a family.


Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. psalms 344:5

My dear brothers and sisters in christ if you are here today dont look at yourself, your husband, children or family in dispair look at CHRIST who can change your whole life in a fraction of a second.

Not every marriage so lucky.

No that's is a very bitter spot on at least a handful of women.Women who never amount to anything in the eyes of the spouse. She occupies the last of his priorities,stranger in "His" family."Her" family...is said to be  her mom and dad whom she left the day of her marriage. And she  is never worth fighting for...save be of any significance in his extended family.At this point one might think...dint God call him and her to start a family of their own...oh no...no in this case no.she is just added to his already existing family with due respect. The children will be of greater significance because they are blood relations, next important to already existing family members.But a gal from another family, especially if she is shy too, will always be in the backdrop of her husbands busy life. such gals should have found guys who genuinely liked them and shouldnot have tried tin into a guy's compromised marriage, coz all her life she will be compromising and never seek to be loved.

if she claims her wife-ly position she is subdued by cold shoulders and given silent treatment till she understands her true position.if she cries she is ignored.if she smiles no one cares.if she does something it is faulty, if she doesn't then why the heck did she marry?be independent,they say, don't be a nuicence....if she takes a decision then hell breaks loose....she is taught a lesson for life,and every one in the family agrees she rightly deserves it.if people who care question this "'punishment"..oh they are evil to the core for asking.my dear women who suffer insignificance...you r doing a great job hanging in there in midst of chaos.Not everyone can do it,im so proud of you.

saying this i congratulate every single girl who had a beautiful marriage. God bless you.I am so happy for you gals.i hope you understand at length how lucky you are to get such admiration and care from the man u have to live ur entire life with.love your guys a lil extra for their righteous hearts and devoted minds.

Bloom where u are planted...happy or sad, God placed you there for a purpose.Do ur part, and leave the rest to GOD to whome you are so significant that he would give up entire nations for YOU:). Peace and good cheer.

This is what I intend to do!

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME"

I'm letting go of all the neglect and isolation at the heart of Jesus.....
I'm letting go of all the times i was rejected  physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually....at the heart of JESUS.
I'm  letting go all the time my husband wasn't there for me...at the heart of JESUS.
I'm letting go all  the  infinite times my husband dint comfort me when all I wanted of him  was to hold me close...at the heart of JESUS.
I'm letting go of all his past baggage that's haunting me ....at the heart of JESUS.
I'm letting go of all pain and humiliation unjustly suffered...alone...at the heart of Jesus.
I'm letting go of my want to be loved, accepted, comforted, cherished, appreciated,at the heart of Jesus.
I'm letting go of my weakness and shyness at the heart of Jesus
I'm letting go of all that I value, my husband,children,my family at the heart of Jesus
I'm letting go of all worry, anxiety, brokenness,worthlessness at the heart of Jesus.

Let his wounded heart be my refuge and strength.
Let his grace suffice me.
Let his love overpower me.
Let his spirit set me on fire.
Let his blood wash my sins.
Let his name strenghten me.
Let his justice give me dignity.
Let my identity be difined by him.
Let his hope fill my future with laughter and joy. amen

What it takes to be a christian wife.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29:11-12,)


When God called me to marriage to be quite frank I was quiet unequipped, a new wife just exploring a new life outside the confines of her parent's safe nest.it might add to the situation that I was naive to one extend and idealistic to the other, and unfortunately the world was neither righteous nor straight-faced.. I fell into the hands of what you describe a tall dark handsome man the kind of man who knew too much of the world's corruptness, and who was silent and aloof..the kind that you find in romance novels.the man I naively wanted to win over with my love.the romantic in me was totally desperately in love with him...the kind of love  that totally ignites your existence  and nothing matters except  being with him. I was walking in a cloud...thinking, dreaming,wishing a future for us.our love would have been phenomenal ,but unfortunately,he had been there,done that...except the girl was never me. his past was a fuming acid I drank one night he spilled it on me...and the burns yet remain afresh till today, coz the one who wounded never bothered to stop by and rub an ointment of words,touch or promise.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

It was shocking for me and totally enigmatic,this man, who defiles all my ideal philosophies and lives in a strange cocoon where I am never allowed to enter.he nurtured strange sorrows, unhealed wounds,an odd wilful control of body and mind,weird philosophies on past sins,a shallow Christian life and peculiar emotions for me as a wife.he never truly loved me, never truly hates me...a strange mix of emotions often contained in a few moments of bliss, long painful spells of aloofness,silence and rejection and sarcastic comments that broke me.The truth is I never could reach him even as I tried hard, I just wanted to belong to him, be his everything.but he has cocooned himself in a strange world where I dint matter,my attempts to reach out to him was like flinging myself on a rock wall. for four long years I have been banging tooth and nail to reach out to him,to feel what he really is like inside.sadly unless he opens up I can never reach there.but this long struggle to win him to be mine, or at least to belong to him...has led my heart to tatters.with this man i was always unguarded,and he just uncaring broke my heart.

If I ask him he would switch to silent mode or say some sarcastic comment or say in a flat unconvincing note he loves me in a way I don't understand. and sadly enough I retreat to nurse my wounds of rejection, and an odd suffercation unable to vent my dissapointment .
We have never discussed parenthood,important decisions  or as a matter a fact running the house together as a couple....its always a question mark.what I try to do might not end up well coz he is neither involving nor sharing the duties.he does do his share when it pleases him...on and off like his mood swings ..its never stable,never as a couple.he is torn between a busy bachelor and a family man...and often is a busy bachelor..not a busy spouse or busy father...coz I see accusal in his eyes as if he is being dragged to do duties he is not a part of.and I unknowingly feel urged to apologize. where is my married spouse? who is this bachelor I am living with.
To my heart I say he will change, he will love me truly one day...and that day ours will be the blessed household ever.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

(Jesus said) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20

Yet as I look back even through brokenness, rejection, betrayal in crisis... I see the beautiful design , two adorable children and faith to keep going.and strangely enough I was equipped for this marriage...my parents had given me Jesus, to hold on even when the ground beneath me was ripped.A faith and faithfulness to remain grounded through crisis,though alone,in the God ordained role. Even if I did give my best, I could have done better... and better myself every day for fresh challenges.



Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9,)

Our brokenness in the family should be fixed before it influences our beautiful children,I am ready to sacrifice any length and hope Jesus reforms his heart as well.breaks his cocoon and discards it forever,I need my love,my friend,my guide and head of family....the children a Godly, righteous father who will lead them to God.

 Dear LORD....when I strive alone...be my guide,.Don't let me be harsh on my husband and children just because i am hurting inside.Because i am not to be judging anyone,all judgement belongs to You alone.I am not perfect, he is not perfect...there is a lot of emotional turmoil in both of us. A vast amount of past hurts and emotional baggages bounds him...his genes and home environment has taught him to treat his wife in a very low way... that's how he has seen his dad treating his mom. He has to break away from his bondages....to love me truly. Lord help him, heal him...prepare him to joyfully serve the position you have designed for him.As the head of the family,to shepherd our family to your grace and mercy.