"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29:11-12,)
When God called me to marriage to be quite frank I was quiet unequipped, a new wife just exploring a new life outside the confines of her parent's safe nest.it might add to the situation that I was naive to one extend and idealistic to the other, and unfortunately the world was neither righteous nor straight-faced.. I fell into the hands of what you describe a tall dark handsome man the kind of man who knew too much of the world's corruptness, and who was silent and aloof..the kind that you find in romance novels.the man I naively wanted to win over with my love.the romantic in me was totally desperately in love with him...the kind of love that totally ignites your existence and nothing matters except being with him. I was walking in a cloud...thinking, dreaming,wishing a future for us.our love would have been phenomenal ,but unfortunately,he had been there,done that...except the girl was never me. his past was a fuming acid I drank one night he spilled it on me...and the burns yet remain afresh till today, coz the one who wounded never bothered to stop by and rub an ointment of words,touch or promise.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
It was shocking for me and totally enigmatic,this man, who defiles all my ideal philosophies and lives in a strange cocoon where I am never allowed to enter.he nurtured strange sorrows, unhealed wounds,an odd wilful control of body and mind,weird philosophies on past sins,a shallow Christian life and peculiar emotions for me as a wife.he never truly loved me, never truly hates me...a strange mix of emotions often contained in a few moments of bliss, long painful spells of aloofness,silence and rejection and sarcastic comments that broke me.The truth is I never could reach him even as I tried hard, I just wanted to belong to him, be his everything.but he has cocooned himself in a strange world where I dint matter,my attempts to reach out to him was like flinging myself on a rock wall. for four long years I have been banging tooth and nail to reach out to him,to feel what he really is like inside.sadly unless he opens up I can never reach there.but this long struggle to win him to be mine, or at least to belong to him...has led my heart to tatters.with this man i was always unguarded,and he just uncaring broke my heart.
If I ask him he would switch to silent mode or say some sarcastic comment or say in a flat unconvincing note he loves me in a way I don't understand. and sadly enough I retreat to nurse my wounds of rejection, and an odd suffercation unable to vent my dissapointment .
We have never discussed parenthood,important decisions or as a matter a fact running the house together as a couple....its always a question mark.what I try to do might not end up well coz he is neither involving nor sharing the duties.he does do his share when it pleases him...on and off like his mood swings ..its never stable,never as a couple.he is torn between a busy bachelor and a family man...and often is a busy bachelor..not a busy spouse or busy father...coz I see accusal in his eyes as if he is being dragged to do duties he is not a part of.and I unknowingly feel urged to apologize. where is my married spouse? who is this bachelor I am living with.
To my heart I say he will change, he will love me truly one day...and that day ours will be the blessed household ever.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
(Jesus said) "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20
Yet as I look back even through brokenness, rejection, betrayal in crisis... I see the beautiful design , two adorable children and faith to keep going.and strangely enough I was equipped for this marriage...my parents had given me Jesus, to hold on even when the ground beneath me was ripped.A faith and faithfulness to remain grounded through crisis,though alone,in the God ordained role. Even if I did give my best, I could have done better... and better myself every day for fresh challenges.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9,)
Our brokenness in the family should be fixed before it influences our beautiful children,I am ready to sacrifice any length and hope Jesus reforms his heart as well.breaks his cocoon and discards it forever,I need my love,my friend,my guide and head of family....the children a Godly, righteous father who will lead them to God.
Dear LORD....when I strive alone...be my guide,.Don't let me be harsh on my husband and children just because i am hurting inside.Because i am not to be judging anyone,all judgement belongs to You alone.I am not perfect, he is not perfect...there is a lot of emotional turmoil in both of us. A vast amount of past hurts and emotional baggages bounds him...his genes and home environment has taught him to treat his wife in a very low way... that's how he has seen his dad treating his mom. He has to break away from his bondages....to love me truly. Lord help him, heal him...prepare him to joyfully serve the position you have designed for him.As the head of the family,to shepherd our family to your grace and mercy.
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